The real Harry Potter steps from the shadows

In shocking news today, the real Harry Potter has emerged from hiding to castigate the author J K Rowling for inaccuracies in her hugely succesful biographies of the troubled wizard.

Showing the terrible effects of years of Butterbeer abuse, and sporting a truly dreadful jumper knitted for him by his mother-in-law Mrs Weasley, Mr Potter said he was also in rehab, recovering from a long addiction to Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans.

It appears that all this time, Mr Potter was in semi-seclusion teaching Environmental Science at the University of East Anglia, Norwich, under an assumed identity as ‘Andrew Watson.’

Mr Potter is in negotiation with a leading publisher to sell the rights to his terrible story, and it is understood movie rights have been sold to Quentin Tarantino, who is in script development for the project to be titled ‘Kung Fu Quidditch.’

Ms Rowling is in consultation with litigation lawyers and is refusing comment. It is believed Mr Potter is claiming six-figure damages; money which he intends to split between the ‘Dumbledore Memorial Hospital for Aged and Bewildered Wizards’; and his gambling debts.


Before and after: Harry Potter counts the terrible cost.